Firstly, please shut out everything right now. No anxiety, no hurt, no detachment issues. None whatsoever. At the same time Lord, please don’t let me go numb. I know there’s a lesson that i’m meant to be learning. To simply be brave. To understand that i have the ability to love and feel without succumbing to the walls that want to come shooting up.
God, I’m so tired of the stupid words running through my head, ‘I’m so damaged’ … i don’t want to be anymore. i want to be free. Is it because i know the 1st is coming up, because I’m going through anchors from the past that tells my annual emotional clock, ok it’s time to grieve again? it’s time to go through the motions of remembering that horrible day, and then the first anniversary without him 27 days later, and then my birthday. Father, I’m so ashamed of how i acted over the last 4 years. I wish i didn’t feel this way about myself, but i’m here, again, in self condemnation county…
Lord, Please don’t let me keep crossing paths with amazing men and then having to watch it just die out. what am i doing wrong? I don’t want this anymore, i don’t want to wait anymore. for anything. i know it’s horrendous that i conflict over this so much. i want to find the one, but not willing to heal first. why does this challenge me so much. can i just not feel anymore? i know im just repeatedly complaining.
I couldnt do it. I disconnected. Ranaway. Sorry i can’t help it.
We wander among each other’s gardens. admiring your trees, smelling my roses. Roses i didnt even know i had planted. I sit quietly, reservingly admiringly… and so on and so on… at you… till 3-4-5 omg the sun is rising A.M… and i stopped dancing, and stop looking at your trees, and only because i’ve realised i wasn’t just looking up, i was looking on, and beyond, and i began to hope quietly, i let go, and let my bones hum.
I don’t know how i manage to find myself in beautiful gardens like yours. How grand your trees are, how tall, how good and how magnificent. How peaceful… and i can’t seem to walk out right now. Yesterday you went for a date, with a girl. I sat quietly in my room, not seethingly, just surprised i missed you, wanted to sit in your car with you. I brought it before God, and i said it’s not too late, i can still walk away, before i fall, before it’s too hard to hide. But this relentless obedience i have to you O’ Lord. I said, if it’s not of you, then take him. Him and his beautiful rain forest that towers, rains, shines, drips and lets me rest deep within. I had peace about it.
…Till you called me at midnight. Told me you were outside… i was ready to throw it all in damnit. We walked to the park lit by streetlight… I sat in my pyjamas and it was the things unsaid that made it harder.
I’m not going to tell you to stop, I won’t stop you. If you want me to say something i just won’t. i don’t want to see you walk away but I won’t stop you. I just don’t know how.
the number of times that weve said goodbye; ‘i cant take this anymore’, ‘please just stop’, ‘fuck off!’, ‘no more replies please!’ is fucking stupid.
the endless goodbye.
I feel i haven’t written enough lately. its growing a little stale in here, my heart i mean.
Tomorrow is P&K’s engagement party. I’ve all of a sudden realised i don’t want to be there. I’m still not wanting to be part of that group. I just shook my head to myself, still disbelief i was betrayed, lied to and talked about behind my back. Out of envy, out of ridicule. Like a stain that will never be bleached, I don’t see how I’ll ever forgive them even if they admitted what they did. I know i know, forgiveness is for me and not anyone else. I don’t want to be part of that anymore.
More importantly I don’t want to be there because, well because of Will. Yeah, i thought i was past the whole notion of struggling through milestone type events. Just that sense of empty, vacant, wishy washy crap I’ll feel as friends we knew, move forward, do life together. Yeah and look I’ll say the dreaded word; ‘we’- will never do. Get engaged, have a long engagement, maybe forever engagement, and continue our sweet lives together, in that horrible house of his mother’s. Eventually have a simple wedding, that would be perfect for me. and i know what he would be like, i’d um and ahh about the design and planning, and i know he’d just make decisions and he’d just get it right. because he just knew me better then i did. No, correction, he had a passion to make me happy. I’d wear no shoes, have my garden wedding, smile at him, completely not care about the guests and…
no the reality is, ‘we’ wouldnt have ever happened. Oh, my boy hero. I miss you dearly. More so, knowing that we never had a future together, even after 8 years of friendship and love, you are detached from my soul. Still within my spirit, but just floating not really part of anything. I wish i had never come to this conclusion. I miss the nostalgic motions of missing my bygone dead lover. I miss longing for lucid dreams of you, in moments of sorrow, of letting go.
Two years worth of dreams that let me share surreal moments with you. The one at the wooden steps, the one at the shore, the one at the bay window looking out at you fish, the one in the empty room where you were blind, and the final one at the parade. every single one except the last one, he never spoke. and every single one except the last one was a goodbye i wasn’t ready for.
Then the parade, I heard you, you said, ok it’s time to go now, the parade awaits you and it’s for you. you were tired, so you sat back as i leaned forward further and further into the crowd, and you watched the back of me, and as you did when you were alive, you knew me better then i did, and you had peace i had enough inside me to keep living without you around. so you said goodbye, but not out loud, i heard it heart to heart. and i turned around, and i saw you wearily walk off into the crowd and towards light. barely able to keep yourself steady. you were overdue. you had stayed too long, and it was all for me. I didn’t wrestle with that goodbye, but i didnt cry. I didnt cry out ‘no!’, and try to stay asleep to keep being there. I knew i was alone, but that was that, the last goodbye between you and i. so i turned to the parade, and watched it. This parade for me. which i’m sure you organised for me to watch.
i don’t know if it was my subconscious that conjured these dreams, if it really was Will visiting me, or just God speaking to me and helping me move on. All i know is the series of dreams was part of this journey.
I’ll go tomorrow, look outwardly instead of backwards. After all i have a parade to be part of. To live and get off the sidelines and be the star of it all. the Ringmaster, the trumpeteer.
Vision of tonnes of sweets and candy… and sweet soup given to me by God. God says have something sweet to take the bitterness away.
All people spend their lives scratching for food, but they never seem to have enough. So are wise people really better off than fools? Do poor people gain anything by being wise and knowing how to act in front of others? Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless—like chasing the wind. Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny. The more words you speak, the less they mean. So what good are they? In the few days of our meaningless lives, who knows how our days can best be spent? Our lives are like a shadow. Who can tell what will happen on this earth after we are gone?” —
Ecclesiastes 6:7-12 NLT
How do i tell him that his heart wont be broken forever. That it’ll be ok. That i’m trying my best to protect my promise. That im hurting being this close and he cant even see me.
How do i stay unbroken in all of this. How do i just watch him, potentially walks back to her. I dont know what to do. I know youll give me peace.